Shopping, Cat Massages, And Secret Happiness

As much as I deeply dislike making trips to the store, when the trip becomes a multi-stop journey, my enjoyment level plummets to depths previously unrecorded by mortal men. Walmart, I suppose, makes me cranky. Can you blame me? Walmart is all too easy for an example, but really it’s all shopping that irks me. Which is why on this particular Saturday, knowing that I would have to venture out to brave the retail world, I woke up and steeled myself for a day devoid of happiness and joy.

Grumpy and feeling a complete lack of motivation for self torture, I selfishly nudged my wife awake. If I have to be up and face the day with all of its perils, I need my partner with me.

I sat up and only then noticed the cat between my legs. He was kneading in that way that cats do when they are testing for weaknesses on your body. And he was staring at me. This wouldn’t bother me normally, I’ve become accustomed to the near constant staring behavior of cats in recent years, but when a cat is massaging between my legs and staring at me, things take a different turn. “Tibby, NO!” I shouted as I hurled the cat off the bed. My subtle nudge had no effect on my dear wife, but hearing the cat’s screech as he was being thrown across the room did the trick.

Bolting straight up from bed, she looked as if a gun had just gone off in the room. “What happened?” she asked breathlessly. I explained the crotch massage her cat had bestowed upon my waking, which she found all too amusing. I won’t say she was delighted but there’s a small gleam she gets in her eyes when one of her cats misbehaves in some small way. Unless, of course, they happen to do something that makes her upset. Then all bets are off. Otherwise she is quite willing to tolerate them in a way I don’t know how. She laid back down as if to resume her restful slumber. I nudged her again. I took my life in my own hands at this point…